Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
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Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”