Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
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babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
so i’m at the stock market right
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly