Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed