@BigJDubz

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

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@IGotsSmarts

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

@bea_ker

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

@ThatBrenna

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

@Marlebean

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

@KattsDogma

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

@PaperWash

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

@Raoul_Duke_71

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

@coolauntV

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

@david8hughes

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.