@BigJDubz
@IGotsSmarts “Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
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@IGotsSmarts 
@bea_ker I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
@ThatBrenna *takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
@Marlebean I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
@KattsDogma Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
@PaperWash me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
@Raoul_Duke_71 *Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
@coolauntV can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
@david8hughes [calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
@1Happytwit Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.