Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Breaking news:
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
