Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”