[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
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Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Thrilling chase underway
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces