Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Yes, but it was never about money
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
why isn’t thunder called soundning