REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in