Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
😩😩😩
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife