rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
lol
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture