Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
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[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order