RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
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Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Don’t talk down to me
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.