RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

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Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.


At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.


When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.


I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.



*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick


Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.


*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*


My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.


People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.