@smithsara79

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

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@IamEnidColeslaw

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

@noog

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

@FredTaming

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

@smnthblk

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

@JessicaFancy

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

@sannewman

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”