@smithsara79

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

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@WheelTod

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

@MatCro

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

@hardasamother

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@Tmoney68

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

@LlamaInaTux

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

@karanbirtinna

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

@AimeeHelene1

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

@1Happytwit

My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.

@Social_Mime

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.