my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
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“You’d better run, egg!”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”