[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.