@pplwtching

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

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@mompsychologist

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

@darksidedeb

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

@aissalanis

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@thatnerddad

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

@joe_binkley

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”

@BeingDBEAST

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

@iwearaonesie

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@whatmaddness

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.