Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend