Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.![]()
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Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
It’s that simple 👊🏻
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
his wife is probably gonna see that
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dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.