@Marcmywords2
@squirrel74wkgn If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
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@squirrel74wkgn 
@stephenjmolloy Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
@SunniWestbrook Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
@AwkwardAndOdd I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
@thepunningman Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
@Lord_Voldemort7 Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
@curlymalloy An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
@maryfairybobrry The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
@halvewit I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.