Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
🤣🤣🤣🤣
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers