Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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I found your tweet-up…
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Easy enough.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Close call…
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes