rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
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If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.