Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
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Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
adding to the discourse
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.