richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
“i miss shittin on people”
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me :
All Day At Night
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.