Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
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I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
So sick of all these stupid rules
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
bury ourselves
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
no!! no!!!!!!
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…