Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

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If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.


Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.


“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….


I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift


Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.


I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.


Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt