Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
The three genders
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
for all #parents out there
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there