@NintenDom

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

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@FatRandy69

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

@Storminika

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

@Tbone7219

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

@murrman5

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

@PaulyPeligroso

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.

@noog

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@SlabBaconBP

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@BeerOholic

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt