[email protected] Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

You Might Also Like


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
Me: Yep, he’s dead


The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.


I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”


Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?


Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.


“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.


nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws


hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-


Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.


Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.