riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
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“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone