RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
You Might Also Like
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo