RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
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Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces