Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.