*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
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I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Incredible customer service.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?