Ridiculous. He should be in jail
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I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
prepare for carbonated trouble
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now