*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
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Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing