[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
life finds a way
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
congratulations to them