Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

[FBI raid]

Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?