@TheAlexP

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

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@ScottLinnen

Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@thats_a_morey

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

@DreamsSarcastic

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

@3sunzzz

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

@thecourtrundell

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

@Brampersandon_

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

@SnarkyMommy78

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.