[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
i’m sure it’s fine
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?