Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
🤣🤣🤣
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi