Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!