Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Wait a minute…
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
no cat here
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.