[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Breaking news:
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.