Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
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I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Friends that check up on you >
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here