Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them