@GrantTanaka

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

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@jimmytorosian

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

@mrjohndarby

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@Leemanish

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

@YuckyTom

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

@mlevchin

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.