Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
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seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Well, my evening plans are ruined