Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
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Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
also my go-to takeaway order
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN