Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
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Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass
things i’ve never picked my teeth with:
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Wordle is trying to tell me something
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Me: Not you.
Anything to declare?
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻