Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?

me: *deep breath*

therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up

me: *slow exhale*

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻