right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.