Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.