Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
You Might Also Like
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When news reporters do sports stories
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.