*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
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Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing