*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
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I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.