RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
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11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!