RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
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When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend