RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
You Might Also Like
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Raisins are grape jerky.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.