RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges