RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
“How’s your day going?”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me: