RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
I want to meet the individual who made this
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Every photo I’m tagged in
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo